Posts tagged "BPD"

BPD and Insomnia Part2

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - December 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm

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Do I have any reason for true concern?

Asked: Do I have any reason for true concern?

I've been struggling for some time with myself, and I've been trying to make myself more stable in front of others, but everything seems to be failing. The more I try to fix the more I seem to screw up. I am a fifteen year old girl who is in the 9th grade this year and I turn sixteen in December. I've been having something similar to this issue for the past three years after getting taken off of my antidepressants..
When I was on my antidepressants I was mindless and couldn't think, all I was doing was watching myself do things as I couldn't even feel any emotions. but I seemed like a happy person despite this fact. The medicine was taken away after it was reported that I had started to cry myself to sleep each night for no reason, which I don't remember doing. When I was in the hospital I was diagnosed with BPD and social anxiety, both things in which I seriously have my doubts about.
My issue as of lately tough is internal thoughts, I've tried to find a way of correcting flawed views without disturbing other people who I care for with such foolish things as my thoughts. I usually have two or three active thought processes that I like to use, it's because I've always admired the thought of being able to perceive things different ways as an entire individual; seeing both sides and more basically. These thoughts are willing and I control them completely but a few other things I seem tohave no control of.
Recently, I've been having a few thoughts that come up with extreme emotion behind them to the point where it's crippling almost, and the more I try to focus and think on these thoughts the more I seem to forget. I already don't remember much of my childhood, only the bad things (when I had my left thumb cut off when I was three, when I became a rape victim, etc.), and even then those memories that were once sharp painful little shards have started to feel like nothing.. like I was there just watching myself do things, like I had no control at all.. I can't even remember how it felt sometimes when I know I should clearly remember the pain. I've taught myself to be okay with the pain because I know overall I am a better person because of these events, and I can't blame the people involved for their errors, everybody makes mistakes, and over time we all must learn to mature and get past them. I just wish though that I could relive these events at any moment.
I've always been that one weird kid that nobody likes, but they try to like then find themselves scared by how I act and they abandon me like a useless thing to them, and slowly over time they find their amusement in their fear of me, much like how a person usually laughs at spider jokes but when near them becomes frightened to the extremes.
I don't do anything weird if you ask me, I act just like them but somedays I try to talk to the kids and they start trying to attack me in desperation to get away from my presence or they will say the cruelest things like how I'm insane and all of that. They don't give me a chance to speak anymore before it's shot down! I don't know if it's because my opinions are more accepting and caring for others than theirs (this is the supposed Bible belt of Alabama), and sometimes I just wonder if they're just apathetic little imbeciles who only care about themselves and that three second laugh they get as another person gets crushed.
It's happened so often, and so many kids have done it that I've stopped caring for their names and things, and I get accused of things I'd never do, but part of me worries that I would.
This is where my question comes in.

The other night I was telling my parents about how one of these girls here was trying to offer me out to guys as a sex toy to them and got them all to laugh at me and she said something about how nobody would ever want to be with someone who had a disorder (Nobody at the school knows, I haven't told anyone.) and since I don't remember her name my parents got mad and told me to only come back when I found out her name and they told me to go to bed, later that night I went to the bathroom with a knife because I was going to try to kill myself, that way nobody could ever say those things again. I was crying and my eyes were burning when I heard this gentle, caring "We both know what you're thinking, and it's not worth it, put the knife down and go to bed.." it wasn't a voice I have evereven heard before, and when I heard it it's like I lost complete control of my body like I used to as it seemed like I watched myself go back to bed, tears roling down my face and all, but I couldn't feel them! I couldn't feel anything.

Considering this and the gaps in my memory that are becoming more and more evident day by day, do you think I should seek help? I'm scared and I never have been.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - April 4, 2013 at 7:01 am

Categories: Sleep Disorder Questions   Tags: ,

How do I get my girlfriend to understand my disorder?

Asked: How do I get my girlfriend to understand my disorder?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am a 23 year old female. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years now. The entire time I have had the disorder. I was diagnosed at age 19. Truthfully, It comes and goes. I can be great for months and then slip back into the disorder. In the past I have broken up with her to sleep with other people, but not on purpose. I never meant to sleep with anyone else. Part of this disorder is impulsive promiscuity. So, rather than cheat on her I would just break up with her.

I have made plenty of mistakes. Alot stemming from my BPD but some that were just stupid mistakes that I could have prevented. But how do I get her to understand? When my moods swing and I get aggressive and hostile, she goes back and forth with me rather than just understanding that I can't help it and walking away. It's very important to me that she understands my disorder or at least can grasp the concept a little.

I want her to understand that I would never hurt her in my right frame of mind. I love her. This disorder is destroying me and my relationship.

I am medicated currently and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - February 19, 2013 at 11:01 pm

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Is this borderline personality disorder?

Asked: Is this borderline personality disorder?

I have terrible anxiety/stress and I think I'm a bit depressed.Sometimes I will be laughing and cuddly and the next minute I will be ripping my hair out and ripping off my skin. I get depressed but only for a few hours. I have random mood swings and personality changes. Some symptoms were body image and I always feel ugly and fat and out of place. I 've always had incredibly low self esteem. I try to seem happy but I cant. I wil randomly start crying and cant stop. My mom even said she hops one day i dont come stab her in her sleep because of all my bottled anger (and she didnt even try to help me) Whenever i do something wrong or get mad I wll repeatily hit mysel in the head as hard as i can because inee to be punished. Plz help is thiss BPD?

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - February 13, 2013 at 1:00 pm

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ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Depression, and Insomnia?

Asked: ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Depression, and Insomnia?

Is there any one drug or simple one-two punch combinations that would treat all of these?

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - January 23, 2013 at 3:40 am

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how to fix combination of anxiety disorder stress disorder and panic attacks?

Asked: how to fix combination of anxiety disorder stress disorder and panic attacks?

My Brother is unhealthy and need help ,he cant keep much down and has most of all the symptoms of anxiety disorder, stress disorder, and panic attacks. and some of depression disorder.What medication would be the best for this. I need to know how to fix this , its been getting bad . I will take him to the doctor soon but (i want to know what can cure these 3 disorders anxiety disorder, stress disorder, and panic attacks.) He wont sleep over fear,will not keep food much food down, and its to point he is to week to walk straitsome times. he use to be the out going and full of energy now he hides in his room most the time .he is 21 years of age he should be ready to take on the world . he has told me how he feels and asked to go to the doctor many times but nothing has helped .

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - December 28, 2012 at 7:21 pm

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I just need to vent.?

Asked: I just need to vent.?

Warning: You might think I'm a horrible person.
I want my 18 year old brother dead.I hate him. I know for sure if he dropped dead right now, I would feel so relieved.
He's no good at all. He's lazy, ignorant, stupid, selfish, and every other negative word there is. I can't even put my hate for him into words.
He throws these tantrums where he screams and breaks things and threatens to kill my dad. He's been diagnosed with Borderline Multiple Personality Disorder about a year ago. I used to try and be patient with him but its so hard.
He ran away when he was 17, and my mom was really torn up about it. I felt so angry because he was so selfish. I just kept wishing that he would kill himself or something else that would make him just be gone forever. I just wanted my mom to be happy and it was all his ******* fault.
I have lost all hope in him. There is no way he could ever change. I know him well enough to know that he is a lost cause. He's a waste of space, he's everything I hate in one huge bundle. UGH. I just want him dead. I hate him.
I feel like he's a lose cannon as well. Like one day he'll find a gun and kill my family and me. Or that maybe one night he'll be so angry hell kill my parents in there sleep. That's another reason I want him dead. Who knows what he'll do.
I hate him so much. I can't even explain this hate, but I just hate him so much. If there was anything I could do to make the day he does come quicker, I would do it. I would do it in an instant.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - December 26, 2012 at 8:40 am

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I’m not sure what to do?

Asked: I’m not sure what to do?

I've been in an almost 2 year relationship and I think it's coming to an end. Multiple times my partner has asked if we break up/be friends/whatever but I can't bring myself to actually agree or say yes. We spent 2 hours last night fighting and he was going on about how the "spark is gone" and has been for about a week (this is when our biggest fight happened and I couldn't be around him/wanted space) and I am truly not sure what to do. While we was getting angry I couldn't help but laugh in his face.

Both my parents have a mental illness (mother bipolar, I think my father is narcissistic personality disorder or something similar) and I've been diagnosed closely with BPD but I fear that maybe I'm getting worse. I'm trying to sort out a therapist to see but it'll be weeks before I do because of stuff I have to sort out with my doctor (and being holiday season and all…). I say I'm getting worse because I used to have control of it and now everything just ****** up at once and I burst and now it's so hard for me to be attached to this relationship in a normal way. I barely ever want to be around him, hate staying over there, etc. I feel sick by the thought of almost all food/the idea of eating it, I'm sleeping way too much or not enough and I just know other things I'm doing are not right.

I just don't get it. How can I not let go of this relationship when he's miserable (because of the way I have become in my attitude, before then he was happy) and I'm miserable and when I'm by myself I feel better? This is what happened towards the end of my last relationship and it took him breaking up with me for me to sort my life out. Then I met this guy I'm dating right now and the past 1 year and a bit he's spent treating me like **** because of how I'd act at times prior to this blowout of mine. I want to let go so badly but for some reason my brain thinks "It's gonna get better" or "You need to stay with him" kind of thing.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - December 19, 2012 at 12:40 am

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Could I be developing borderline personality disorder?

Asked: Could I be developing borderline personality disorder?

Hi, i am 14 female, yes i know i am to young to actually have BPD , because my personality has not fully grown out. I would like to know if it could be possible i may be developing BPD though. First off lemme start by saying i have researched this topic, so i do know what i am talking about. I'm aware that sexual abuse, abadonment as child, and poor commucation are some way that BPD starts. i have been thru all of those thru out my childhood. I am a self-harming, I OD on pills, and i have drank before (but i stopped myself because it was hurting a loved one). When i go into relationships, i have intense feelings. I know I'm a teenager so it's normal, but i don't think it's normal for me, at least. You see, i begin to hate them, love them, and i get very scared they're going to leave me . i lost quite a few relationships because of this, and for the fact i get so scared I try to get out of it because i feel like I'm going to kill myself. I cheat on them, they leave me, then i go into another relationship because I'm afraid of being alone. In one of my relationships(she had DID so it wasn't a very stable one) i would cut myself, carve her name, and then hate and love her. This has happen in pretty much all, but i never carve any another name. She still means the world to me even after it's been a year. i have been to a mental hospital twice, and i see a therapist weekly, I'm afraid to tell her this though. I have major problems trusting people or I tell them everything, when I barely know them. I don't tell my family anything , so they get very worried. I feel bad , but everytime I do a fight happens, so I stopped talking. I often feel alone and that others are out to get me at times. My moods change ALOT, I could be crying then the next minute I seem like the happiest girl in the world. As for friendships, i don't think any of them really care about me, even if they say they do. I have been disagosed with depression, anxiety, eating disorders (starving myself & making myself throw up), and i get nightmares or night terrors(so i have problems sleeping at night). Please don't be mean or say that I'm just whining about this, I'm very concerned for me and others around me. i end up hurting them alot because of what i think i have.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - November 29, 2012 at 11:21 am

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Experiencing Symptoms?

Asked: Experiencing Symptoms?

I've been diagnosed with Major Depression with Anxiety for a few years now. Another doctor said I had Borderline Personality Disorder while I was on the psychiatric floor for temp stay. And next week they want to see if I have adult ADD . I've taken Lexapro 10mg and recently I've switched to Prozac 40 mg. But I some things just won't stop and new symptoms are popping up even though I'm trying very hard in therapy. When I was younger to see, feel and hear things that weren't there according to others. I don't anymore. Now I've been feeling like something invisible to watching me, something strange. I only get around 4 -5 hrs of sleep. Even if I go to bed at midnight I will still wake up 4 hrs later. Its 4:21am right now and im so tired but I can't fall back to sleep. I feel sad and confused and irritated. I feel like my head is full of thoughts. I don't feel like I belong in this world – like I'm a different kind of being. I know that must sound silly. I'm worried that everyone has a motive or thinks sometjing bad about me. I feel like my neighbors are watching me and listening to me from their house. Like they know my entire life. There are other things I think but I can't put them into words. I feel like I'm stuck inside my head and I can't get out.

I'm not looking for an official diagnoses from anyome but I am looking for a few ideas on what this could be because I'm seeing my regular therapist next week and I want to talk to her about what i've been feeling.

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Posted by Zelma Jefferson - October 22, 2012 at 12:40 pm

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