I think I might have BPD or Bipolar Disorder?
Feralai Asked: I think I might have BPD or Bipolar Disorder?
(Im sorry, its extreamly long but I cant talk to anyone else about it so I might as well blurt it all out here. :/ Please answer, though I cant make you..)
I know I am probably just thinking this, and I probably don't but I would prefer a second opinion.
I was looking around on here at the mental health section and found an answer which gave a link to a quiz for Boderline Personality Disorder. I thought I might as well and took it. I answered all my answers honestly – and I'm being honest about that – and it said that I may have (it came up as a very high rating on these three) Borderline Personality, Avoidant Personality and/or Dependant Personality disorder.
When I looked at the symptoms for each one they seemed to match up to my life – completely.
I get angry at the drop of a hat, if one thing doesnt go my way or the way it should be I get angry. I mean, really angry. If a person is a couple minuets late I wont talk to them for a week – well if they set a time why shouldnt they be there. They just leave me waiting.
Then that conects with the fact I hate the idea of anyone rejecting me. I have a huge fear of loosing my friends – if we have a fall out I wont get out of bed for days, even if its school I'll just sit there staring at my paper thinking if I will ever be happy again.
I have self-harmed quite alot of times – I am slowly stopping now, some of the cuts are already fading but any time I get angry I feel as though if I take it out on my room (my door is the main victim), my mum will disapprove of me even less. I can talk to her about the SH because she dislikes my neighbour who self harmed and has been hospitalised because of an over-dose. But she's the reason I am going to stop.
I feel as though I am switching moods all the time, one time I will be happy and confident prancing around not caring if people think Im weird. And then a week or so later I'll be as self-conscious as ever constantly worrying if people are looking at me. I've been sat in a class room once and there were kids laughing at one an other at the other side of the class room and even though I knew they weren't I couldn't help thinking they were laughing at me.
I constantly dream about my life, and what it would be and how it would be if something was different – I dont know what – and I am always hoping that I will fit in at school. At the moment I am the un-pretty, un-popular out cast no one talks to. I have friends, but they're the same but they dont care. I dont get how they don't. They sit there talking about they're obsessions with Avatar, or Harry Potter and I have no interest at all. They dont talk to me as much, and think I am unfriendly and dont care about having friends.
They all think I am depressed, and I have been told by my school counciler that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. In the winter I am always alot more sad, I sleep more. I binge out on junk food and sit in my room stroking my cat like all day. At night I stay up until gone 4am in the morning and sleep until 7am on school days and up until 5pm on weekends. I dont like it but I dont know how to change it. I just cant be bothered to do anything. Though at times when I only have a couple hours sleep I can still have enough energy for the day and even more. Often I only need about 2hours sleep to have boat loads of energy.
I have taken up horse riding because for some reason my passion for horses hasn't changed but I still dont feel as happy when I am stood next to my favourite horse at the stables.
I have a struggle making decisions. A couple nights ago I could decide whether to sleep at my grandma's or not. I am often struck out on what to say to people. If I eventually decide I dont want to do something its as if I am forced to say yes because I dont want to upset them.
And when anyone says anything mean to me I take it to heart, and it wont leave for days or weeks. Even if its the slightest thing. One example would be, we were comming in from pe (my class) and I was deeply thinking about a fall out between me and my best friend and I wasn't exactly smiling about it. When I walked past this one girl she said to her friend 'I wonder why she never smiles'. She didn't even say it that meanly, but afterwards I went and cried in the toilets for about 10mins. I dont know why it upsets, me. It seems stupid now but I dont understand.
I dont know what is happening to me. Sometimes i'm happy, some times i'm not. But its a drastic difference, most times I am laid in bed thinking whats the point. Others I'm opting for an activity which is jumping of a 40ft building (with a harness) for a bet.
Thanks for reading, if you actually did. :/ Thanks
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. In bipolar disorder a person has mood swings from depression to mania which have to last 4-7 days each to be diagnosed but generally last weeks or months at a time. I developed bipolar when I was 15 and diagnosed at 18, when I was depressed I would sleep constantly, cry, self harm, wouldn't leave bed for days, didn't eat, wash, dress, constantly felt suicidal, hopeless and worthless, withdrew myself from family and friends and stopped going to school. This lasted for 6 months. Then I switched into mania when I was constantly full of energy, didn't sleep for days and if I did I would sleep up to 3 hours only, went out every night abusing alcohol and drugs, got into meaningless relationship, had sex with strangers, spent every penny I had and even stole from my mum, shop lifted, racing thoughts, aggressive and irritable, psychotic when I would hallucinate and be delusional to the point I stabbed myself and almost my boyfriend, I was constantly doing one thing to the next and I nearly failed college. This lasted for 4 months.
BPD is an emotional disorder not caused by chemical imbalances in the brain but how you have processed your emotions over time. In BPD people are considered emotionally unstable as they cannot control their own emotions which causes rapid mood swings of one emotion to the next which usually change within minutes or hours of each other due to the smallest things happening. For example I will wake up feeling amazing because of nothing then the tiniest thing like not being able to turn my computer on will make me so mad that I will punch walls and then break down crying. Other symptoms are thinking in black and white, suicidal ideation and reoccurring attempts, self harm, eating disorder, trouble in relationships with friends, family and lovers, unstable sense of self image.
Both are very complicated illness and seriously effect your day to day life. It sounds mostly like BPD, but don't worry it can be helped with therapy so you can learn to handle your emotions better. Medications can help with depression and anxiety but it is mainly therapy that helps. Don't let a label change your life, its just an emotional disorder. See a doctor and good luck.
Yes, I did read all of it. When I was in college, they defined bipolar a little differently in psychology class. But recently I watched a documentary called "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive" which was very, very interesting. I definitely recommend you watching it as it will help you a lot in first understanding your condition before you try to cope with it. I think, for a while, you should try to cut yourself some slack. I amglad you have taken up horse riding. I suggest you take up some other activity purely for fun which you don't have to share with anyone else. I had a keyboard lying around and I just bought this book(piano for dummies) and taught myself to play. And I have a very relaxing, fulfilling time to play for myself. I have taken up yoga(again a book, not a class) and doing it often has helped me too. People say to socialise more, but I think people with bipolar need to first have fun with only themselves around before they can be fun for others. I think our main problem is that we just don't love ourselves enough. We are scared of making decisions because we don't want to make what is bad already worse. We have a great, overwhelming need for people, which is why we either expect too much of them or just don't care. I think it is important to just make our lives simpler before we try to make it more meaningful and happy. Therefore, your first job is to like yourself. Stop trying to harm yourself. Pamper yourself instead. It can be anything as simple as getting a new haircut or changing to a different shower gel. Next, are there things you want to do and be that you don't get to do? Well, its time to take them seriously.