Abuse? Therapist? HELP! I don’t know what to do… Do I have BPD?
White Asked: Abuse? Therapist? HELP! I don’t know what to do… Do I have BPD?
This will be long but I will greatly appreciate any help.
Factors to keep in mind:
1. My parents emotionally and physically abuse me.
2. I have no privileges; they are overprotective and overstrict.
3. They think that we're still in the 80s in Europe where nothing was tolerated.
4. They take all they're anger out on me.
5. I am not neglected: I have food, a house, heat, money (average), education (private school), but I have nothing other than these material needs. No emotional support or family. I do not like my parents, and I think they have psychological disorders.
1. I'm 14 girl who has her period but isn't affected by it specifically.
So lately (past 3 months) my behavior has swung dramatically. I'm not able to sleep at night. I usually just take my computer and take a bunch of online quizzes and tests about psychological disorders and personalities. I watch movies and YouTube videos. I listen to music. My computer is my way of escaping when I'm in bed at home, but I'm not on social network sites (I have a g mail but that's it). Whenever I read a story about child abuse, or psychological disorders, I break down. I go into a 10 minute, intense crying fit. My mind races through so many emotions, as if someone took all of the emotions, and crammed it into a jar (my head). I think about what I go through, and what other kids must go through, and I think they're abuse isn't as bad as mine; they don't even have food, or parents or whatnot. So then I degrade myself, for thinking my situation is bad. From here, my mind races through other thoughts like the brutality of the Holocaust, and (as a Muslim), all the times Muslims have been discriminated against and called terrorists, etc. I then go back to this psychological point of view, and almost back to my life, about how an abused child usually becomes an abuser. And I think of myself, and I feel like I'm screwed in life, because I have a low patience lever and get angered easily, and I think bad of myself. And then I think of all the orphanages I've been too and think of how ****** up their lives are, and how much worse it is then mine. This all happens in this short amount of time, so intense and incredible. But I don't sob out loud, I cry silently with tears rolling down. The emotions pulsing and rushing through my body paralyzes my legs, so I can't move, and all I think about is why should we live. Why should I live when I'm not happy, and I probably will become an abuser one day. Or why others live if they starve. I don't understand what life is worth living for. I don't have any best friends I can talk to this about. The only person I really live for is my dad (not my parent–> he doesn't abuse me, my stepfather does). When I think of something bad I did to him, like lie, when I'm in my bed, I go through another one of these crying sessions, and then have this intense fear of him dying. I vow to myself that if he dies, I will kill myself, but I know it is a sin to commit suicide. I have recently turned to pinching myself (a form of self-harm) to relieve this stress/depression/anxiety/disorder/crazi that I have been feeling. It gives me this feeling of control, as there is nothing else I can control of my life, besides for my life itself, which sometimes I doubt. Along with this thought, I hurt myself because I suddenly forget all these emotions racing through my head. I'm not stupid enough to turn to drugs and alcohol, but I have been having suicidal thought. I don't know what to do. I don't if have some type of pyscological disorder, or a personality disorder, or if I'm just a worry wart fag. I don;t know what will happen to my life if something doesn't change.
I have already tried my Guidance Counselor, but she said that she needs to talk to my parents… which does not equal good, but indeed just a worse situation. So I told her I was exaggerating.
it sounds to me like you dont have bpd but you are depressed and it is being caused by the emotional and other abuse done to you by your parents and i would suggest that you talk to a person you know that you can trust to get you out of that situation with out your parents having to know